Blaming our partner or another person in any relationship is a natural human tendency. This tendency springs from the varied behaviours we have been exposed to as a child. An angry parent blaming “this glass of water fell because you were not careful” sets a narrative of our dialogues in all adult relationships. We thus ponder upon the statement- why do we blame our partner? What is at the root of the blame game in any relationship?
A vicious cycle of blame in a relationship occurs when one person places the blame for whatever has gone wrong onto their partner. This blame then changes direction to becoming a complaint or a conflict. In return, the partner learns to put up a defensive shield against verbal or emotional attacks or helplessly cowers down to each behaviour. This continued give-and-take of blame may end up making the relationship toxic.
The role of blame in any relationship is that of a fast-multiplying parasite, which grows stronger as the victim becomes weaker. It robs the relationship of the space to have positive, healthy criticism and an open discussion about expected changes in behaviour. Blame is a bottomless pit of negativity that creates anger in both partners.
In a typical scenario, the person blaming the other comes from a place of frustration, fatigue and lack of self-love and help. When the mental set-up is such, it becomes easy to hide away from taking responsibility. The easiest way to disassociate from an untoward event is to put the guilt in someone else hands. As a result, the other person, on whom the blame is placed, keeps moving away from being blamed again. The matter on hand which could be solved over a mature discussion is pushed under the blanket. Repeated cycles of blame games create resentment where the victim silently snubs anger and words in their heart and minds.
This discourse opens a new dimension of questions. What can we do to change this prerogative as prudent adults?
At the foremost, we have to learn to take responsibility for our words and actions. We may be in the right or the wrong. We may not like the feeling of our crashed ego or shame that arises in accepting the facts at hand. What seems difficult at first slowly becomes a strength of character. Eventually, this trait becomes evident to our partner and the foundation of trust can be rebuilt.
The urge to purge the blame on our partner and lash out in anger can be subsided if we inculcate transparency in any relationship. Transparency leads to better communication. When conversations, however difficult, flow seamlessly, the problem is half resolved. We cannot underestimate the power of words. Words that blame, words that heal, words that soothe.
Another offshoot in the blame game is that it depreciates the self-worth of the victimized individual. It shakes the establishment of self-confidence, making self-love a non-existent reality. Thankfully, resolving the blame and choosing response over reaction has the potential to save our partner from the deep crevices of guilt and powerlessness. Blaming is the easy way out for the speaker in the heat of the moment. But in the long term, a healthy relationship will last longer on the pillars of love, trust and communication.
To conclude, blaming the other person or being blamed by our partner in any relationship is very common in our daily lives. The next time we find ourselves in unsuitable circumstances, we need to be mindful of our actions and words. Ask ourselves the difficult questions first. We should readjust our priorities in dealing with blame. Something this dark and unnecessary cannot be allowed to seep into the soil of a relationship. We sow the seeds for flowers and fruit, so neglecting the ground it grows in will wilt the tree of the relationship.
